"Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic...

If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh, even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah!
-Paramore, brick by boring brick

I've started imagining since I can remember. It's a bit of an addiction already. Whenever i can't get the thing I want in the real world, i get it in the world i made up. It's a nice feeling. At first it was just material things and having fun with my real life friends. Then it grew to celebrities being in it. And just last year, I began imagining my own friend. I am not saying that my friends in real life are worthless...It's just different. there are things I can't tell them, there are things that they don't understand. The friend I imagined understand me.......Even my tantrums and stuff. I do not have just one friend....I have about twenty in my head... And they are based in real people.

Now I regret doing that because now I can't escape. I don't know how to stop turning onto them whenever I'm sad. Now it became really hard for me to accept the wold I'm in. The life I am living. I want to stop already. Iw ant to stop. But every time something go wrong, I turn to them. They save me from embarrassment, from humiliation. I don't know how or why, but I just feel really good whenever I think of them. I don't think it's anything serious because I know that they are just in my head.

Recently, someone I like, well, I wouldn't see him again for a certain reason. it's pretty hard to forget him too, because....I imagined him in my head. I imagined my self talking to him and coming up to him. But in real life, I never did that. Now I want to do that. I can't. I think letting go of something like that is easy...... It is. The only problem is I imagined a lot in my head. I can't forget them. I can't forget that person.

I realized everything while I was listening to Paramore's song at school. I don't think that my life is tragic....maybe just a bit. And I made a world of my own. I can't hold it in my hand, I can't see it. But I can feel it with my heart. Though, I still have to bury my castle.

Yes, I have to bury my castle, but I still hold the choice. I am holding on to MY world. The world that made me feel important. The world that made me feel happy. The world that loves me for who I am. the world that took me away from the world that make me feel ignored. The world that made me cry. The world that judged me.

I WILL HOLD ON TO MY WORLD AS LONG AS I CAN FEEL IT WITH MY HEART. I don't have to see it, I don't have to touch it, I just have to believe.

I CREATED THAT WORLD SO I CAN ERASE WHATEVER I WANT TO DISPOSE. I can forget you.



(picture from coldplay.com)

= I MISS YOU in your FRENCH revolution uniforms....



_________ for the oracle of my world.......bye-bye...